Introversion and Isolation

First of all, introversion is not shyness.  Let's get that straight immediately.  Introversion is about needing to be alone so that the mental and emotional energy stores can be replenished.  Being around other people constantly is draining to an introvert, often to the point of exhaustion.  Parties are murder on an introvert. 

The problem with being an introvert is that human beings are social animals and even an introvert needs to be social.  Complete isolation is not good even for an introvert.  Once the energy stores are replenished, it's time to go back out into society and interact again. 

I am an introvert.  This may or may not be obvious.  If you've confused introversion and shyness in the past and you have seen me in person, you may have assumed I am an extrovert.  I'm not.  I have no real fear of people anymore.  I used to, but I've come to realize I feared their draining effect on me, not who they are or what they represented. 

Lately, I've been noticing that I'm missing a lot of social cues, as though I were autistic and not merely introverted.  I'm picking up on the cues after I've missed them, but that's like the French and their l'esprit de l'escalier, the wit of the staircase, when you think of that fantastic comeback too late to do you any good.  People have been making gentle overtures to me and I have not been giving them the responses they're seeking.  Give enough confusing or strange responses and people won't make those overtures anymore. 

And I have been utterly isolated. 

Now I'm not going to go into self-pity here: oh, woe is me, I'm a freak and nobody likes me.  No, no.  Not there.  I am a sort of freak and a lot of people see it and agree that I am, but I'm not lamenting that.  I've lived so long with my freakishness that I've settled into it and like it to some degree. 

What I don't like is being unkind to other people, intentionally or not.  I don't like hurting others, and I never mean to hurt anyone.  I tend to rattle on stupidly about things, and I rebuff overtures as gently as I can when I am exhausted or they confuse me, but I don't like to hurt people or shut them out. 

Lately, I think I might be hurting people, that I might not be as gentle as I think I am.  My problem is that my job--serving tables in a sports bar--is designed to be done by extroverts.  For six to ten hours a day, I have to fake being an extrovert.  I have to dig past my day-to-day energy stores and put on some sparkle as well as come up with some skills. 

I'm running on a deficit.  So when people come and talk to me now, my responses are off, either self-protective or a bit false, the habitual face I wear for work:  "Hi, I'm friendly, you're friendly, it's all good, ha ha, nice to see you, bye!"  Which is about as real as some of the washed five dollar bills reprinted as fifties someone keeps trying to pass in the casino lately. 

I'm not sure how to resolve this.  Even an introvert needs someone to talk to about her day.  Even an introvert needs at least one person in the world to get past the "ha-ha, bye" and see who she really is.  My boyfriend, who usually does this for me, is in Phoenix.  Some of the others are drifting away from me.  I haven't talked, really talked, in a couple of years with the woman I consider my sister in all ways but the biological.  Another has been texting and emailing me, but I've not had the time to sit down and talk to her.  I've always been running. 

What I need to do is stop, write or call these people, apologize for my shitty behavior, and be real for a while (and for a change!).  Just the thought of doing this, though, makes me teary with fear.  Human contact in this way requires an initial drain before it gives a refill.  Yes, being real with someone else will replenish both of you, but you have to get past that initial drain first.  I'm feeling so close to the end of my reserves that I don't know that I have the ability to do that right now. 

So I remain in my isolation for a bit longer and hope for the best.  Not a fun thing, even for an introvert.