Intellectual crushes

Whenever I meet a beautiful mind, I die a little bit inside.  Happily.  Part of me just rejoices that this lovely mind exists and is working, because I run into a greater number of ugly minds every day.  It's like the sun breaking through clouds in streams--is there really anything more beautiful than a Jacob's Ladder at the end of a stormy day?

I call them my intellectual crushes.  I'm definitely crushing on these people, but when you use that word "crush," people get uncomfortable.  The word "crush" suggests all those teenage hormones and confused desires, and while at my age, my hormones are probably working toward the Big Storm and Final Quiet after, my desires are much more focused.  Down to one person particularly, if you know what I mean.  So what happens is that the beautiful mind reveals itself, and I stop, stare and go into starry-eyed teenager mode.  I'm sure my face is saying, "Hello!  I love you!  May I please pet your lovely brain?" 

Some people don't take this well.  In fact, I would say that most don't.  In our society, so much criticism, violent disagreement and manipulation fly about that people are mostly defensive.  When someone is nice to us, often the first thing we ask ourselves is, "That's weird.  What do they want?"  Convincing us that nothing is wanted is not easy, since most people do want something. 

Also, since I no longer am a starry-eyed teenager but a starry-eyed middle-aged woman (did you feel that cringe?  C'mon, admit you felt that cringe.  You are creeped out by my middle-agedness), the reaction tends toward deeper suspicion.  "What does that crazy old lady want?  God, I hope it's not me."  I'm sure that I would get a much more positive reaction if I were still, say, 22 and adorable, as I was once upon a time. 

Wouldn't it be fun to hand someone a card that says, "You are amazing and I am in love with your brain.  Please keep using it like that."  And then walk away?  Sure, we can say these things, and if we are particularly charismatic, we can get away with it.  Those of us who aren't particularly charismatic need something other than starry eyes to communicate that affection. 

For the most part, I just don't communicate the affection, or at least I think I don't.  I don't say things to the people directly; I just try to participate in conversations and hope I don't sound like the Big Storm and Final Quiet are taking place in the next three minutes.  But I find myself talking about these people to other people, and then....well, I'm sure it gets back to the crushes.  Let's put it this way:  when one of your professors is aware of your intellectual crush without even being told, is a friend and colleague of that crush, and brings up the crush every single class period, referring to him as "your friend," you pretty much know you're screwed. 

You can put any face you want on it, but your intellectual crush is only getting the crush part, not the intellectual modifier. 

What I'd like to do is go to each of those intellectual crushes, tell them they are superstars and that it has been a huge pleasure and great gift hanging out with them in classrooms and the like, and that I will miss them when I leave.  All while holding on to the arm of my wonderful boyfriend and mostly looking up into his eyes, so they can see who my real crush is, the total package, brains, body, beard and gigantic, all encompassing heart. 

Maybe then, I won't be so creepy. 

Then again, maybe if I just used my own brain more, I could strive for more equal footing....